How to survive Black Friday without getting gutted by fake deals… your Holiday Slasher Black Friday survival guide (Back by Popular Demand)
INTRO: HE’S BACK. AND HE BROUGHT RECEIPTS.
Every November, he crawls out of the bargain bin.
The aisles darken. The fluorescent lights flicker. Someone whispers “rollback,” and suddenly you’re surrounded by people who look ready to sacrifice their own grandmother for $20 off a TCL.
That’s when you know he’s here.
The Holiday Slasher.
He’s not after blood… he’s after your wallet.
He hunts the weak, the uninformed, the ones who think “HDR Ready” actually means something.
And every year, he claims another wave of victims who fall for store exclusive TV models, counterfeit discs, and soundbars that promise “surround sound” but deliver “sad stereo.”
But not this year.
This year, you came prepared.
This year, you read Horror Dork.
So sharpen your wits, clutch your coffee, and let’s carve into this year’s Black Friday home theater survival guide.
PART I — TVs: The Main Course
How to avoid getting “doorbusted” into a lifetime of panel regret
Look, the Slasher LOVES televisions. Why?
Because TVs look scary good in stores… and scary bad when you get them home and realize the picture quality is held together with hopes, dreams, and ancient Best Buy dust.
Let’s talk about the traps he sets:
Slasher Trap #1: “Store-Exclusive” Model Numbers
If a TV’s model number pops up ONLY at Walmart or Best Buy, that’s not a deal… it’s a trap hatch.
Retailer exclusive models often have:
- weaker brightness
- worse motion handling
- fewer HDMI ports
- missing Dolby Vision
- cheaper plastics
- lower refresh-rate panels
Slasher Survival Tip:
If you can’t find the model on Samsung, LG, TCL, or Hisense’s official website, it’s a “Holiday Slasher Cut.”
Slasher Trap #2: Fake HDR
HDR with no brightness is just a sad, dim lie.
Real HDR requires:
- 350 nits minimum
- HDR10 or Dolby Vision
- decent contrast
If the TV description says “HDR Compatible” or “HDR Ready,” that’s marketing code for “not really HDR, but we don’t want you to know.”
Slasher Trap #3: Open Box Roulette
Open Box = the survivor of a previous massacre.
Could be fine. Could be haunted.
Always check:
- return window (often shorter)
- missing parts
- full warranty or only 90 days
- signs of wear
Slasher Trap #4: Gamer’s Graveyard
Gamers: don’t let the Slasher get you.
Look for:
- 120Hz refresh rate
- HDMI 2.1
- Variable Refresh Rate (VRR)
- low input lag
A cheap TV without these is basically the NES Power Glove of panels.
TL;DR — TV SECTION
If the deal looks “killer,” check the model number.
Or If the specs sound vague, they’re vague on purpose.
If the Slasher whispers “bundle,” RUN.
PART II — Blu-rays & 4K UHDs: The Collector’s Corner
Because physical media never asks for your email address
Good news: unlike TVs, Blu-ray and 4K UHD deals ARE usually legit during the holidays.
Studios want holiday revenue. Retailers price match each other. Boutique labels clear shelf space. It’s the one time of year where capitalism accidentally benefits collectors.
But the Slasher still has tricks.
Slasher Trap #1: Bootlegs & Region Nightmares
Watch out for:
- “imports” from Amazon Marketplace
- too cheap to be true 4K discs
- mislabeled Region B discs
- fake studio logos
If the seller isn’t:
- Best Buy
- Walmart
- Target
- Amazon direct
- Orbit DVD
- Bull Moose
- DiabolikDVD
- Grindhouse Video
…then assume the disc is cursed.
Slasher Trap #2: Bargain Bins From Hell
“10 Horror Movies for $5!”
Sure, but if you see:
- full screen transfers
- VHS rips
- zero menus
- audio recorded in a wind tunnel
These discs aren’t deals. They’re relics from a time when DVD was a dark place.
Slasher Trap #3: Old Masters in New Slipcovers
Sometimes a “new release” is just:
- the same disc
- with a new slipcover
- and a new excuse to sell the same transfer
Always check back cover specs:
- codec
- HDR format
- bitrate
- audio tracks
If they match last year’s disc exactly… congrats, the Slasher just repackaged your wallet.
TL;DR — DISC SECTION
Holiday disc sales? Legit.
Marketplace sellers? Evil.
Bargain bin multi packs? Possessed.
PART III — Home Audio & Surround: The Final Screams
Great sound makes every movie better … and every bad deal worse
The Slasher sees you walking toward the speaker section and he smiles. Because this is where most buyers get fooled by marketing terms like “immersive,” “virtual surround,” and “cinematic experience.”
Let’s clear the fog.
Slasher Trap #1: “Virtual 5.1 Surround”
That’s just stereo.
If it doesn’t have actual rear speakers, it is not surround sound.
You know it.
I know it.
The Slasher knows it.
Soundbar companies hope you don’t.
Slasher Trap #2: Old Receivers Without Modern Features
Avoid receivers that lack:
- HDMI ARC/eARC
- 4K pass-through
- Dolby Atmos
- DTS:X
Otherwise you’re buying a museum piece.
Slasher Trap #3: Home Theater in a Box Kits
Cheap all in one kits use:
- tiny drivers
- weak amps
- plastic cabinets
They’re the horror movie equivalent of “going upstairs to investigate the noise.”
Slasher Trap #4: Cable Scams
Here’s the truth:
A $100 HDMI cable won’t magically improve your picture or sound.
What matters is bandwidth, not price.
If you’ve got modern gear, a PS5, Xbox Series X, gaming PC, or a 4K TV with 120Hz, VRR, or Dolby Vision, you want a certified 48Gbps HDMI 2.1 cable, which usually costs $10–$15.
If your setup is older (4K60, 1080p, older Blu-ray players), an inexpensive HDMI 2.0 cable works perfectly.
And all that gold-plated “premium” marketing?
That’s just the Slasher trying to convince you your signal will somehow look richer if the connector is dipped in jewelry.
It won’t.
Either way, don’t let the Slasher gut your wallet with “premium” cable scams, especially the gold-plated snake oil that costs more and performs the same.
TL;DR — AUDIO SECTION
Wireless can drop.
Virtual surround isn’t real.
Cheap kits lie.
And Atmos matters.
FINAL SCENE — YOU SURVIVED… FOR ANOTHER YEAR & MANY MORE
Now that you know the Slasher’s tricks, you’re ready.
You’ve learned how to spot the cursed TVs, dodge the counterfeit discs, and walk past the “surround sound” traps without becoming a cautionary tale.
With this knowledge, you’re this season’s Final Girl…
or, at the very least, one of those counselors from Friday the 13th Part 2 who stayed out drinking at the bar and accidentally survived the entire movie because they mindlessly avoided the danger.
But remember…
because you survived, the Holiday Slasher WILL want his sequel.
He’ll be back next year
maybe with a new mask,
probably with a new marketing pitch,
and definitely with another stack of suspiciously cheap 4K TVs.
Until then, keep your wallet close, your receipts closer, and never trust a deal that comes with techy phrases.