The new Phasmophobia Diner map dropped, and let me be the first to admit it:
I walked in like a seasoned veteran.
And I came out walking funny, from the spankings I took. Those ghosts must’ve been feeling extra freaky.
The Diner took one look at my Professional difficulty confidence and said:
“Sit down. Permanently, preferably.”
The Layout: Not Big… But Big Enough to Ruin Your Confidence
Let’s get the technical stuff out of the way before I start publicly shaming myself.
The Diner is:
- One floor
- 13 rooms total
- With a layout that sounds simple on paper but plays like the haunted version of an Ikea showroom
It’s made up of:
- One big main diner seating area
- Two bathrooms
- Two tiny offices
- A short back hallway
- And a kitchen area that feels like Gordon Ramsay designed it during a full blown meltdown
So yeah it’s compact.
You can cross it pretty quickly.
But the angles, the booths, the stools, the shelves, and literally everything in the kitchen is placed with the exact precision needed to snag your hips during a hunt and ruin your entire evening.
This map isn’t big.
It’s smart.
And its smartness makes you feel dumb… until you get used to it.
The Hunts. Dear, Sweet, Endless Hunts.
I’ve played this map three or four times now.
I have died…
three or four times now.
Every game turns into the same cycle:
- Find one piece of evidence
- Say “Okay, good start…”
- Lights flicker
- “Oh COME ON”
- Hunt
- Panic
- Repeat
I usually pride myself on keeping calm during hunts, but the Diner stripped that confidence from me like my old boss during our daily morning check ins.
Sure, part of it is just the learning curve — once I memorize the layout, I’ll stop dying like a confused tourist in a haunted IHOP. But while bumbling around like an idiot, I did stumble on a pretty slick little easter egg. And by “stumbled upon,” I mean my kid watched a video on YouTube and immediately showed me the second I walked in from work.
If you played Point Hope, you’re going to get flashbacks, because this one has the same “Wait… is that what I think it is?” energy.
The Deogen Incident (A Failure So Monumental It Deserves Its Own Section)
Here’s the part my friends will never, and should never, let me forget.
We get a Deogen.
If you don’t play Phasmo: the Deogen is slow.
Ooh he is slow. The slowest.
He’s so slow he makes Jason in Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan look like Jesse Owens zipping through midtown traffic.
This ghost moves like he’s checking his step count and complaining about his knees.
So naturally…
He kills me anyway.
I’m looping him around the kitchen, doing BEAUTIFULLY.
I’m right behind my buddy, and he bolts into the walk in freezer.
Genius move.
So I run to follow him.
Except he thinks I’m the ghost banging on the door.
And since you can’t talk during a hunt, he just holds it shut like he’s guarding the last slice of pizza on Earth.
So I turn around.
And there’s Grandpa Deogen hobbling toward me like he’s late for Bingo Night.
I try to run, but I get hung up on two diner stools like an arthritic golden retriever.
Dead.
Absolutely cooked.
Flattened by the slowest ghost in the game.
My friends:
“How the hell do you get killed by a Deogen?”
Me:
…facepalm.
Final Thoughts (Before I Get Hunted Again)
The Phasmophobia Diner Map is fantastic in that special “Oh wow this hurts but I love it” way:
- Tight layout
- Solid atmosphere
- Just enough rooms to keep things unpredictable
- A kitchen that doubles as a funhouse maze
- And a main dining area that judges you harder than your high school yearbook photo
It’s not enormous.
It’s not complicated.
But it WILL absolutely smoke you if you walk in thinking you’re hot stuff.
My first impressions?
The Diner humbled me.
My confidence? Medium rare.
My dignity? Overcooked.
My death to a slow ghost? Eternal.
And yes… I still recommend it.